Recent Posts

The Broke Bitch Buys a Dyson

I bought myself a Dyson V6 Motorhead SV04 Stick Vacuum as a “freedom to do domestic work now” present, waiting for me at the end of my job. It arrived my first day of Funemployment. Honestly, it’s like having the biggest dick in town. It’s the Nimbus 2000 (or 2001…or whatever model Harry Potter ended up with before graduating wizarding school) of vacuums, […]

I Prefer the Term ‘Professionally Crazed Fan’

Today I went through the turnstile into the subway just as a woman was trying to go through the turnstile out of the subway. “Seriously?!” she exclaimed. “YEA. Swiped my card first.” I plowed past her like a lawnmover. Ain’t nuttin gettin’ passed dis. “WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, YOU CRAZY BITCH?” At the time, I was terribly […]

Still Fly

You can take the girl out of poverty…but guaranteed she’ll find her way back. Here we are again. For a hot minute there, I thought I was safe to buy non-Happy Hour drinks in Manhattan, store-bought furniture, and movie tickets to see Jurassic World in 3D for $20 a pop. Alas, I find myself again staring down […]

The Realness

I’m starting to think that I’m not a very good writer. This is something that—thanks to you anonymous freaks who follow this blog (luh y’all), and the fact that my hand calligraphy would’ve made that smarmy overachieving asshole Steve Jobs proud (Is nice penmanship even considered a litmus?)—I’ve never had come into question. I have a wheelbarrow […]