Admittedly, Colin Nissan's I Work From Home piece for The New Yorker is genius, but I'm going to go one deeper, into the dark depravity that is working from your pajamas. Because I ruin everything. I honestly don't know how I've managed to keep myself alive since I left my office job last September. Enabler… Continue reading Life of Fran: A Freelancer Story
Me: "Am I disgusting?" Conscience: "Who cares?" Me: "OK!" I was walking through Park Slope with my dear friend Enabler Dan when we came across a cardboard box full of crap on the sidewalk. Among that crap was a massive wine glass with measurements along the bowl and its boot (that's educated wine-speak for the… Continue reading WINO FOREVER
I am tired. I'm tired of resolutions, and celebrating, and empty sentiments, and I am 1000 DONE with good intentions that fart their way out of existence because of lack of hustle from broke-ass scrubs (who definitely are not me).
I’m kind of banking on a phoenix-birthing renaissance in 2017, especially after the landfill inferno that was mine and this nation’s year in 2016. I went home to California for Christmas break with one objective in mind: heal...and bum off my sisters. I pulled out all my workout gear from under the bed, untouched for over… Continue reading Broken Bitch
I bought myself a Dyson V6 Motorhead SV04 Stick Vacuum as a "freedom to do domestic work now" present, waiting for me at the end of my job. It arrived my first day of Funemployment. Honestly, it's like having the biggest dick in town. It's the Nimbus 2000 (or 2001...or whatever model Harry Potter ended up with before graduating wizarding school) of vacuums,… Continue reading The Broke Bitch Buys a Dyson
Today I went through the turnstile into the subway just as a woman was trying to go through the turnstile out of the subway. "Seriously?!" she exclaimed. "YEA. Swiped my card first." I plowed past her like a lawnmover. Ain't nuttin gettin' passed dis. "WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, YOU CRAZY BITCH?" At the time, I was terribly… Continue reading I Prefer the Term ‘Professionally Crazed Fan’
You can take the girl out of poverty...but guaranteed she'll find her way back. Here we are again. For a hot minute there, I thought I was safe to buy non-Happy Hour drinks in Manhattan, store-bought furniture, and movie tickets to see Jurassic World in 3D for $20 a pop. Alas, I find myself again staring down… Continue reading Still Fly